Bill Maher Jokes-Funny Jokes Of The Day

Bill Maher Jokes

"To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it. On FOX News he said the fault was his, he can't blame anybody else. Boy, it's amazing, the only time you get accountability out of this administration is when they are actually holding a smoking gun." 

--Bill Maher "There is a little discrepancy about what happened on this hunt, because Ann Armstrong, the woman who has this ranch, said there was no alcohol involved, and Dick Cheney said he had one beer. So apparently, Dick Cheney can't keep his rifle, his story, or his daughter straight." 

--Bill Maher "What I don't understand about this whole thing is that the guy who got shot, this is his statement today, he said my family and I are deeply sorry (his face got in the way) for everything the vice president and his family had to go through this weekend. Wow, that is one loyal Republican. He also referred to the buckshot wound in his face as 1,000 points of light." 

--Bill Maher "Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." 

--Bill Maher "Not to worry, the man who was shot left the hospital today, and they said he was in good condition -- a little gamey, but still moist." 

--Bill Maher "A Filipino spy broke into Dick Cheney's office this week, and that takes a lot because Dick Cheney's office is the back of a speeding ambulance." 

--Bill Maher "We finally have a scandal in this election: Lesbogate. 

Bob Schieffer asked a question about is homosexuality a choice, and Kerry mention Cheney's daughter. The Cheneys are now furious at him. They say they are very proud of her daughter. They are so proud, she should never, ever be mentioned in public." 

Bill Maher "Dick Cheney wouldn't even confirm that she's gay. She just says that she touches her roommate in an undisclosed location." 

Bill Maher "Dick Cheney feels responsible for his daughter being a lesbian because growing up, she heard him say 'go f**k yourself' so many times, she finally tried it." 

Food for Thought Jokes--Funny Jokes Of The Day

Food for Thought

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? 

A. Their balls are just for decoration. 

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? 

A. Because it scares the Hell out of the dog. 

Q. Why is divorce so expensive? 

A. Because it's worth it. 

Q. What's the difference between Jesse Jackson and a door knob? 

A. Not a whole lot. 

Q. What's the best way to a woman's heart. 

A. Left side of her chest, through the breast plate. 

Q. Why is a dog "man's best friend"? 

A. He never argues and he's always happy to see you. 

Q. Why are they called the Atlanta Braves? 

A. Ever seen the girls there? 

Country Club Golf Jokes--Funny Sport Jokes

Country Club Golf 

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. 

A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, 

"Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. 

He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. 

The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. 

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.

 The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal.

 The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" 

Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately fucked the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf. 

Wedding--Funny Jokes Of The Day

Wedding 

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life sentence!). Marriage is a 3-ring circus 

- engagement ring, wedding ring and Suffering. 

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers? 

A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time! The definition of a perfect Wife? - one who helps the husband with the dishes... 

Q: Why do brides wear white? 

A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen. 

One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted". 

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? 

- Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving Marriage 

- an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.