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Thứ Tư, 28 tháng 12, 2016

Llama Jokes Funny

Llama Jokes

Q: What's llama's favourite film?
A: Llamadeus 

Q: Who is the llama spiritual leader? 
A: The Dalai Llama 

Q: What's more amazing than a talking llama? 
A: A spelling bee! 

Q: Why did the llama cross the road? 
A: Because it was the chicken's day off. 

Q: What did the camel say to the llama? 
A: Let me teach you how to spit. 

Q: What did the llama have for dinner? 
A: Llama-ables 

Q: What do you get if you stand between two llamas? 
A: llamanated 

Q: What do you call a very fast llama? 
A: a Llamagini 

Q: What did the pellet say to the llama? 
A: Don't eat me 

Q: What did they llama say to the blade of grass? 
A: Nice knawing you! 

Q: What did the llama say to his friend? 
A: Is your mama a llama? 

Q: What kind of animal does yoga? 
A: A Shangri-llama. 

Q: Why aren't llamas in rodeos? 
A: `Cause they ain't ticklish! 

Q: Why did the llama fall out of the tree? 
A: Because it was dead 

Q: What's the diffrenece between llamas and alpacas? 
A: Alpacas have more dark meat! 

Q: What do guard llamas tell their sheep around the campfire at night? 
A: They tell each other scary llama stories. 

Thứ Năm, 22 tháng 12, 2016

Bee Jokes For Kids That Are Funny

Bee Jokes

Q: Why did the bee get married? 
A: Becase he found his honey 

Q: What do you call a bears without ears? 
A: B's 

Q: What do you call a wasp? 
A: A wanna-bee! 

Q: What's a bees favorite novel? 
A: The Great Gats-bee! 

Q: What do you get if you cross a bee with a door bell? 
A: A hum dinger! 

Q: Who is the bees favorite singer? 
A: Sting! 

Q: Who is the bees favorite pop group? 
A: The bee gees! 

Q: What is a bee's favorite part of a relationship? 
A: The Honeymoon period. 

Q: What did the sushi say to the bee? 
A: Wassabee! 

Q: What do you call a bee that can't stop eating? 
A: Chub-bee. 

Q: What kind of bee is a sore loser? 
A: a cryba-bee 

Q: Who protects the Queen Bee? 
A: Her Hub-bee. 

Q: How many bees do you need in a bee choir? 
A: A humdred! 

Q. What's the last thing to go through a bees mind when it hits your windshield? 
A. Its bum. 

Q: Why did the bee go to the barbershop? 
A: To get a buzz-cut. 

Q: What do you call a bee born in May? 
A: A maybe! 

Q: What kind of bee can't be understood? 
A: A mumble bee! 

Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America? 
A: USB 

Q: Where do bees keep their money? 
A: In a honey box! 

Q: What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumble bee? 
A: a Greyhound Buzz. 

Animal Jokes That Are Really Funny

Animal Jokes

Q: What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?
A: A chili dog on a bun.

Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Q: Where do mice park their boats?
A: At the hickory dickory dock.

Q: Where did the sheep go on vacation?
A: The baaaahamas

Q: What do you call a thieving alligator?
A: A crookodile

Q: What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?
A: A watch dog.

Q: What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A: A lawn moo-er.

Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lilly.

Q: How does a dog stop a video?
A: He presses the paws button.

Q: Why do cows go to New York?
A: To see the moosicals!

Q: What do you call lending money to a bison?
A: A buff-a-loan

Q: What is the snake’s favorite subject?
A: Hiss-story

Q: What is black ,white and red all over?
A: A sunburnt penguin!

See more: Funny animal jokes

Thứ Tư, 14 tháng 12, 2016

Funniest Cat Jokes That Are Really Funny

Cat Jokes

Q: Why did the cat get pulled over by the police? 
A: Because it "littered" 

Q: What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim? 
A: An octopuss! 

Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross? 
A: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit! 

Q: When the cat's away.....? 
A: The house smells better! 

Q: What is a cats favorite vegetable? 
A: As-purr-agus. 

Q: Did you know that cats designed the great pyramids of Giza? 
A: It was all drawn out on paw-pyrus. 

Q: What's the difference between a cat and a frog? 
A: A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night! 

Q: Did you hear about the passenger who had to be escorted off the airplane? 
A: She let the cat out of the bag. 

Q: Why are cats so good at video games? 
A: Because they have nine lives! 

Q: What's a cat's favorite button on the tv remote? 
A: Paws 

Q: Did you hear about the cat that thought she was a dog? 
A: She was purr-plexed. 

Q: What do cats like to eat on sunny days? 
A: Mice cream cones! 

Q: What do you call a cat that doesn't use the litter box? 
A: A pet project. 

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas? 
A: Santa Claws! 

Q: What kind of car does a fat cat drive? 
A: a Catillac! 

Q: Why was the cat so small? 
A: Because it only ate condensed milk! 

See more: Daily jokes

Thứ Tư, 7 tháng 12, 2016

Ferret Jokes Funny

Ferret Jokes Funny



Q: What do you call a mismatched pair of socks in the wash? 
A: Evidence. 

Q: How do you drive a ferret crazy? 
A: Give him a round litter pan. 

Q: What is a ferret's favorite song? 
A: Dook, dook, dook, dook of Earl... 

Q: How many California ferret owners does it take to change a lightbulb? 
A: Thousands. 

Q: Who is a ferret's favorite president? 
A: John Fitchgerald Kennedy. 

Q: What do you call an ferret with a carrot in each ear? 
A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! 

Q: What did the grape say when the ferret stood on it? 
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! 

Q: Why did the ferret cross the road? 
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! 

Q: When does a ferret go "moo"? 
A: When it is learning a new language! 

Q: Why did the blonde give her ferret a coke? 
A: Because when she was young her parents told her "Pop goes to the Weasel". 

Q: What do you call a ferret that can pick up an elephant ? 
A: Sir! 

Q: What do Muhammed Ali and Bandit the Ferret have in common? 
A: They both know how to duke it out. 

Q: Ferrets favor fashions by which designer? 
A: Alberta Ferretti. 

Q: Who is a ferret's favorite composer? 
A: Ferretric Chopin. 

Q: Who is a ferret's favorite band? 
A: The Ferretones. 

Q: Which ferret became an author of stories set in WWII and after? 
A: Elie Weasel. 

Q: Which high-kicking ferret won the Gold in Tae Kwon Do at the '92 Olympic Games? 
A: Herb Ferretz. 

Q: Who is the ferret Zionist prime minister? 
A: Shimon Ferretz. 

Thứ Năm, 1 tháng 12, 2016

Porcupine Jokes That Make You Laugh

Porcupine Jokes That Make You Laugh


Q: What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? 
A: The pricks are on the outside on a porcupine! 

Q: What do you call an Porcupine with a carrot in each ear? 
A: Anything you want as he can't hear you! 

Q: What did the grape say when the Porcupine stood on it? 
A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine! 

Q: What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus? 
A: a porky-pine 

Q: Why did the Porcupine cross the road? 
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done! 

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheep with a porcupine? 
A: An animal that knits its own sweaters 

Q: When does a Porcupine go "moo"? 
A: When it is learning a new language! 

Q: What do you call a Porcupine that can pick up an elephant ? 
A: Sir! 

Thứ Ba, 22 tháng 11, 2016

Animal Jokes That Are Really Funny

Animal Jokes



Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card!
———-
Q: Why do you bring fish to a party?
A: Because it goes good with chips.
———-
Q: What would happen if pigs could fly?
A: The price of bacon would go up.
———-
Q: How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?
A: Take away his shovel!
———-
Q: What did the frog say when he heard “time flies when you are having fun?”
A: Time is fun when you’re having flies!
———-
Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
A: It gave a little wine!
———-
Q: Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?
A: To hide in a bag of M&M’s.
———-
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut!
———-
Q: Where do fish keep their money?
A: In a river bank!
———-
Q: What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?
A: A woolen jumper!
———-
Q: What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?
A: Glass flippers.
———-
Q: Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
A: Catfish
———-
Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
A: He felt funny.
———-
Q: How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
A: A phew.

Thứ Hai, 21 tháng 11, 2016

PIMPING RIDES

If you don't know what pimping a ride is, basically it means to fix up a car. So, you'd think that it would be a paint job, overhaul the engine, some new tires -- no, not on MTV. 'Cause on MTV, when we pimp your ride, what we do is we take this piece of sh*t car and put in all this unnecessary crap that should never be in a car. We got a Play Station in your steering wheel; we got smoke machines in the speakers; we got "Rubber Ducky" shooting out of the exhaust pipe!

Thứ Tư, 16 tháng 11, 2016

Funny Cat Jokes For Kids And Parents

Funny Cat Jokes For Kids And Parents


Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. 

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. 

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. 

She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, 

"Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

Thứ Hai, 7 tháng 11, 2016

The Only 10 Cat Puns You Will Ever Need

The Only 10 Cat Puns You Will Ever Need



Q: What did the alien say to the cat? 
A: Take me to your litter. 

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? 
A: A sourpuss! 

Q: How are tigers like sergeants in the army? 
A: They both wear stripes! 

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep? 
A: A stripey sweater! 

Q: Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas? 
A: Because he has sandy claws! 

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? 
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'! 

Q: Do you want to hear a bad cat joke? 
A: Just kitten. 

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman? 
A: Frostbite! 

Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding? 
A: Chocolate mousse! 

Q: What looks like half a cat? 
A: The other half! 

Thứ Ba, 1 tháng 11, 2016

DECONSTRUCTING LITTLE JOHNNY

Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed with "duck" he waved his hand feverishly.
The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a solution. Finally she glared at Johnny and called on him.

Johnny put on his devlish grin and said, "An F-word that rhymes with duck is.... fluctuation."
The teacher blurted out, "No Johnny, that's sucks! I'm so sick of telling you what a little frigging a**hole you are!"

Thứ Hai, 31 tháng 10, 2016

Cat Jokes That Are Just Hilarious

Cat Jokes That Are Just Hilarious



Q: What do you get when you take a Kitty Kat to the tailor? 
A: Bad Blood. 

Q: What do you call a cat that gets anything it wants? 
A: Purrr-suasive. 

Q: What do you call a cat who just ate a duck? 
A: a duck-filled platy puss. 

Q: What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt? 
A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.' 

Q: What is lion's favorite food? 
A: Baked beings! 

Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian? 
A: He felt funny! 

Q: What's striped and bouncy? 
A: A tiger on a pogo stick! 

Q: What is the cat's favorite TV show? 
A: The evening mews! 

Q: How can you get a set of teeth put in for free? 
A: Smack a lion! 

Q: What is a cat's favorite dance move? 
A: The Purr-colator. 

Q: Why was the cat scared of the tree? 
A: Because of its bark. 

Q: What do you feed an invisible cat? 
A: Evaporated milk. 

Q: What's worse than raining cats and dogs? 
A: Hailing taxi cabs! 

Q: How is cat food sold? 
A: Usually purr can! 

Q: What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head? 
A: A tiger moth! 

Q: What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food? 
A: 'Let us prey.' 

Q: What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have? 
A: A catastrophe! 

Q: Who was the most powerful cat in China? 
A: Chairman Miaow! 

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree? 
A: A cat-a-logue! 

Q: What do you call a cat race? 
A: A meowathon. 

Q: Why did the cat get pulled over by the police? 
A: Because it "littered" 

Q: What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim? 
A: An octopuss! 

Q: Why did the cat join the Red Cross? 
A: Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit! 

Q: When the cat's away.....? 
A: The house smells better! 

Q: What is a cats favorite vegetable? 
A: As-purr-agus. 

Q: Did you know that cats designed the great pyramids of Giza? 
A: It was all drawn out on paw-pyrus. 

Q: What's the difference between a cat and a frog? 
A: A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night! 

Q: Did you hear about the passenger who had to be escorted off the airplane? 
A: She let the cat out of the bag. 

Q: Why are cats so good at video games? 
A: Because they have nine lives! 

Q: What's a cat's favorite button on the tv remote? 
A: Paws 

Q: Did you hear about the cat that thought she was a dog? 
A: She was purr-plexed.

Q: What do cats like to eat on sunny days? 
A: Mice cream cones! 

Q: What do you call a cat that doesn't use the litter box? 
A: A pet project. 

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas? 
A: Santa Claws! 

Q: What kind of car does a fat cat drive? 
A: a Catillac! 

Q: Why was the cat so small? 
A: Because it only ate condensed milk! 

Q: What do you call Long John Silver when he has a cat on his shoulder? 
A: A purr-ate! 

Q: What do you call a cat that smells good? 
A: prrrr-fume. 

Thứ Năm, 27 tháng 10, 2016

Cat Jokes That Are Just Hilarious Ever

Cat Jokes That Are Just Hilarious




Q: What happened when the cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
A: She had mittens.

Q: Why don’t cats play cards in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs.

Q: How did the cat say when it met the mouse?
A: Pleased to eat you.

Q: What do you call a cat police force?
A: Claw enforcement.

Q: What do cats do after an argument?
A: They hiss and make up.

Q: What do you call a cat that convince you of anything?
A: Purrr-suasive.

Q: Why was the cat grouchy?
A: Bad mewed.

Q: What happened when the cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
A: She had mittens.

Q: What do cats wear when they sleep?
A: paw-jamas!

Q: Which vegetable do cats like the most?
A: As-purr-agus.

Q: What is a cat’s favorite cereal?
A: Mice Krispies.

Q: What do you call cats that live in igloos?
A: Eskimeows

Q: If the lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, then what do cats run on?
A: Their paws.

Q: What do cats like to eat on hot days?
A: Mice cream cones.

Q: What state has the most cats?
A: Petsylvania

Q: What do you call a cat criminal?
A: A Purr-petrator

Q: Why was the cat grouchy?
A: Bad mewed.

Q: Where can your cat can sit, but you can’t?
A: Your lap.

Thứ Hai, 17 tháng 10, 2016

15 Cat Jokes That Are Just Hilarious

15 Cat Jokes That Are Just Hilarious



Q: Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas? 
A: Because he has sandy claws! 

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? 
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'! 

Q: Do you want to hear a bad cat joke? 
A: Just kitten. 

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman? 
A: Frostbite! 

Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding? 
A: Chocolate mousse! 

Q: What looks like half a cat? 
A: The other half! 

Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater? 
A: 'Claws.' 

Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger? 
A: A stri-ped! 

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep? 
A: A stripey sweater! 

Q: What do you call a cat that wears make up? 
A: Glamourpuss. 

Q: What do cats like to read? 
A: Cat-alogues! 

Q. What kind of sports car does a cat drive? 
A. A Furrari. 

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? 
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'! 

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman? 
A: Frostbite! 

Q: What do you get when you take a Kitty Kat to the tailor? 
A: Bad Blood. 

Q: What do you call a cat that gets anything it wants? 
A: Purrr-suasive.

Q: What do you call a cat who just ate a duck? 
A: a duck-filled platy puss. 

Q: What did the lions say to his cubs when he taught them to hunt? 
A: 'Don't go over the road till you see the zebra crossing.' 

Q: What is lion's favorite food? 
A: Baked beings! 

Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian? 
A: He felt funny! 

Q: What's striped and bouncy? 
A: A tiger on a pogo stick! 

Q: What is the cat's favorite TV show? 
A: The evening mews! 

Thứ Năm, 6 tháng 10, 2016

Funny Cat Jokes That Are So Bad They're Good

Funny Cat Jokes That Are So Bad They're Good



30. Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.


29. What is a cat’s way of keeping law & order?

Claw Enforcement.


28. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?

She had mittens.


27. What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?

The purrpatrator.


26. Why is the cat so grouchy?

Because he’s in a bad mewd.


25. What do cats like to eat for breakfast?

Mice Krispies.


24. Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can’t?

Your lap.


23. Why did the cat run from the tree?

Because it was afraid of the bark!


22. How many cats can you put into an empty box?

Only one. After that, the box isn’t empty.


21. How do cats end a fight?

They hiss and make up.


20. What does a cat like to eat on a hot day?

A mice cream cone.


19. What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?

A peeping tom.


18. If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on?

Their paws.


17. What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo?

An eskimew!


16. Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?

He set a new lap record.


15. Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?

She had mittens.


14. What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.


13. What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?

A peeping tom.


12. What is a cat’s favourite song?

Three Blind Mice.


11. How did a cat take first prize at the bird show?

He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.


10. Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?

For kitty littering.


9. Why are cats better than babies?

Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.


8. What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat?

Hiss and Tell.


7. What is a moggy’s favourite colour?

Purrrrrrrple!


6. What do you use to comb a cat?

A catacomb.


5. Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?

Because he’s always spotted.


4. Cats are like potato chips.

You can never have just one.


3. I got rid of my husband.

The cat was allergic.


2. For a man to truly understand rejection…

he must first be ignored by a cat.


1. I haz a joke about a cat…

Just kitt’en 

Thứ Sáu, 26 tháng 8, 2016

Bill Maher Jokes-Funny Jokes Of The Day

Bill Maher Jokes


"To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it. On FOX News he said the fault was his, he can't blame anybody else. Boy, it's amazing, the only time you get accountability out of this administration is when they are actually holding a smoking gun." 

--Bill Maher "There is a little discrepancy about what happened on this hunt, because Ann Armstrong, the woman who has this ranch, said there was no alcohol involved, and Dick Cheney said he had one beer. So apparently, Dick Cheney can't keep his rifle, his story, or his daughter straight." 

--Bill Maher "What I don't understand about this whole thing is that the guy who got shot, this is his statement today, he said my family and I are deeply sorry (his face got in the way) for everything the vice president and his family had to go through this weekend. Wow, that is one loyal Republican. He also referred to the buckshot wound in his face as 1,000 points of light." 

--Bill Maher "Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." 

--Bill Maher "Not to worry, the man who was shot left the hospital today, and they said he was in good condition -- a little gamey, but still moist." 

--Bill Maher "A Filipino spy broke into Dick Cheney's office this week, and that takes a lot because Dick Cheney's office is the back of a speeding ambulance." 

--Bill Maher "We finally have a scandal in this election: Lesbogate. 

Bob Schieffer asked a question about is homosexuality a choice, and Kerry mention Cheney's daughter. The Cheneys are now furious at him. They say they are very proud of her daughter. They are so proud, she should never, ever be mentioned in public." 

Bill Maher "Dick Cheney wouldn't even confirm that she's gay. She just says that she touches her roommate in an undisclosed location." 

Bill Maher "Dick Cheney feels responsible for his daughter being a lesbian because growing up, she heard him say 'go f**k yourself' so many times, she finally tried it." 

Thứ Tư, 17 tháng 8, 2016

Food for Thought Jokes--Funny Jokes Of The Day

Food for Thought

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? 
A. Their balls are just for decoration. 

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? 
A. Because it scares the Hell out of the dog. 

Q. Why is divorce so expensive? 
A. Because it's worth it. 

Q. What's the difference between Jesse Jackson and a door knob? 
A. Not a whole lot. 

Q. What's the best way to a woman's heart. 
A. Left side of her chest, through the breast plate. 

Q. Why is a dog "man's best friend"? 
A. He never argues and he's always happy to see you. 

Q. Why are they called the Atlanta Braves? 
A. Ever seen the girls there? 

Chủ Nhật, 14 tháng 8, 2016

Country Club Golf Jokes--Funny Sport Jokes

Country Club Golf 

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. 

A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, 

"Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. 

He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. 

The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. 

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.

 The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal.

 The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" 

Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately fucked the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf. 

Thứ Tư, 3 tháng 8, 2016

Wedding--Funny Jokes Of The Day


Wedding 


Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life sentence!). Marriage is a 3-ring circus 

- engagement ring, wedding ring and Suffering. 

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers? 
A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time! The definition of a perfect Wife? - one who helps the husband with the dishes... 

Q: Why do brides wear white? 
A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen. 

One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted". 

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? 

- Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving Marriage 

- an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters. 

Thứ Bảy, 30 tháng 7, 2016

Dingo--Funny Cat Jokes

Dingo 


One day a lady took a dingo to the veterinarian.

The doctor looked at the dingo and shook his head.

 "I'm sorry your dingo is dead" said the doctor.

"How could you be so sure" the lady said. So the man left the room and come back with a labrodore retriever. It stood up on its hind legs and sniffed the dingo and shook its head.

The doctor left the room again and come back with a cat.

The cat also sniffed the dingo and shook its head. The doctor said that the dingo was 100% dead.

With the lady still in shock, the doctor handed the bill to the lady. "$400, why $400?".

The doctor replied "If you had've believed me first it would of been $60".

"But why still" the lady insists. To which the doctor says "Because you had a lab report and a cat scan!"

Thứ Sáu, 15 tháng 7, 2016

Bee Jokes--Funny Cat Jokes, Animal Jokes

Bee Jokes


Q: What do you call a bee that prefers nectar to pollen? 
A: Snob-Bee. 

Q: What does the bee Santa Claus say? 
A: Ho hum hum! 

Q: Why do bees hum? 
A: Because they've forgotten the words! 

Q: What kind of bees hum and drop things? 
A: A fumble bee! 

Q: What did the bee say to the flower? 
A: Hello honey! 

Q: What's a bees favorite flower? 
A: A bee-gonias! 

Q: What do you call a bee who single handedly defended the colony from a wasp attack? 
A: Not to shab-bee. 

Q: What did the confused bee say? 
A: To bee or not to bee! 

Q: What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? 
A: A Frisbee. 

Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport? 
A: Wait at a buzz stop! 

Q: What do you give a bee on the first day of class? 
A: A Sylla-buzz. 

Q: How does a bee get to class? 
A: On the school-buzz. 

Q: What is a bees favorite shape? 
A: A Rhom-buzz, of course. 

Q: Why do bees hummm? 
A: They forget the words to the song. 

Q: What do you call a bee explorer? 
A: Christopher Colum-buzz. 

Q: What do you call a bee you can't share secrets with? 
A: a blab-bee. 

Thứ Năm, 14 tháng 7, 2016

Old Cat Lady--Funny Cat Jokes


Old Cat Lady 


It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up." 

The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!" So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. 

Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy." Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. 

The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18." Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled. "Third", she said to the fairy, 

"I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!" Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. 

He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!" 

Thứ Tư, 13 tháng 7, 2016

Gorilla Jokes--Funny Cat Jokes

While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. 

As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless. 
Gorilla Jokes


When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. 

Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "Fuck you! " in gorilla language. 

The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. 

The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. 

Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. 

Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. 

Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. 

Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. 

The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid."

Thứ Sáu, 8 tháng 7, 2016

Top Ten Reasons--Funny Cat Jokes

Top Ten Reasons 



Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats 

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap. 

2. Cats look silly on a leash. 

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. 

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born. 

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

 6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers. 

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all. 

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you. 

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain. 

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly  sneak out the back door. 

Thứ Năm, 7 tháng 7, 2016

Old Cat Lady--Funny Cat Jokes

Old Cat Lady

 It was Christmas Eve. 

A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room. 

The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her:

 "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up." 

The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand.

 "Wait!" she said. 

"Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!"

 So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. 

Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, 

"I want to be very, very wealthy." 

Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. 

There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. 

The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: 

"Next", she said, 

"I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18." Poof! The old woman disappeared. 

In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. 

The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled. "Third", she said to the fairy, 

"I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!" 

Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. 

He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said:

 "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!" 

Color--Funny Cat Jokes

Color


Q: Why was the cat sitting on the computer? 
A: To keep an eye on the mouse! 

Q: What is the most breathless thing on television? 
A: The Pink Panter Show! 

Q: What did the cat say when he lost his toys? 
A: You got to be kitten me. 

Q: What is a cat's favorite color? 
A: Purrrple! 

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo? 
A: A stripey jumper! 

Q: What do you get if you cross a chick with an alley cat? 
A: A peeping tom. 

Q: What did the alien say to the cat?
 A: Take me to your litter. 

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar? 
A: A sourpuss! 

Q: How are tigers like sergeants in the army? 
A: They both wear stripes! 

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep? 
A: A stripey sweater! 
 

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