Bill Maher Jokes-Funny Jokes Of The Day

Bill Maher Jokes

"To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it. On FOX News he said the fault was his, he can't blame anybody else. Boy, it's amazing, the only time you get accountability out of this administration is when they are actually holding a smoking gun." 

--Bill Maher "There is a little discrepancy about what happened on this hunt, because Ann Armstrong, the woman who has this ranch, said there was no alcohol involved, and Dick Cheney said he had one beer. So apparently, Dick Cheney can't keep his rifle, his story, or his daughter straight." 

--Bill Maher "What I don't understand about this whole thing is that the guy who got shot, this is his statement today, he said my family and I are deeply sorry (his face got in the way) for everything the vice president and his family had to go through this weekend. Wow, that is one loyal Republican. He also referred to the buckshot wound in his face as 1,000 points of light." 

--Bill Maher "Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security." 

--Bill Maher "Not to worry, the man who was shot left the hospital today, and they said he was in good condition -- a little gamey, but still moist." 

--Bill Maher "A Filipino spy broke into Dick Cheney's office this week, and that takes a lot because Dick Cheney's office is the back of a speeding ambulance." 

--Bill Maher "We finally have a scandal in this election: Lesbogate. 

Bob Schieffer asked a question about is homosexuality a choice, and Kerry mention Cheney's daughter. The Cheneys are now furious at him. They say they are very proud of her daughter. They are so proud, she should never, ever be mentioned in public." 

Bill Maher "Dick Cheney wouldn't even confirm that she's gay. She just says that she touches her roommate in an undisclosed location." 

Bill Maher "Dick Cheney feels responsible for his daughter being a lesbian because growing up, she heard him say 'go f**k yourself' so many times, she finally tried it." 

Food for Thought Jokes--Funny Jokes Of The Day

Food for Thought

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? 

A. Their balls are just for decoration. 

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? 

A. Because it scares the Hell out of the dog. 

Q. Why is divorce so expensive? 

A. Because it's worth it. 

Q. What's the difference between Jesse Jackson and a door knob? 

A. Not a whole lot. 

Q. What's the best way to a woman's heart. 

A. Left side of her chest, through the breast plate. 

Q. Why is a dog "man's best friend"? 

A. He never argues and he's always happy to see you. 

Q. Why are they called the Atlanta Braves? 

A. Ever seen the girls there? 

Country Club Golf Jokes--Funny Sport Jokes

Country Club Golf 

A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs, which were apparently quite extraordinary. 

A wager was placed on who had the most intelligent dog.

The physician offered to show his dog first, and called to the parking lot, 

"Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and dug for a while, producing a number of bones. 

He dragged the bones into the country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human skeleton. 

The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a cookie for his efforts. 

The architect was only marginally impressed, and called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do his stuff.

 The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal.

 The architect patted his dog and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" 

Bullshit entered and was told to do his stuff. Bullshit immediately fucked the other two dogs, stole their cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his fee, and went outside to play golf. 

Wedding--Funny Jokes Of The Day

Wedding 

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence....(a life sentence!). Marriage is a 3-ring circus 

- engagement ring, wedding ring and Suffering. 

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers? 

A: They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time! The definition of a perfect Wife? - one who helps the husband with the dishes... 

Q: Why do brides wear white? 

A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen. 

One day a man inserted an 'advert' in the local classifieds: "Wife wanted". 

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? 

- Well, it's the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving Marriage 

- an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters. 

Dingo--Funny Cat Jokes

Dingo 

One day a lady took a dingo to the veterinarian.

The doctor looked at the dingo and shook his head.

 "I'm sorry your dingo is dead" said the doctor.

"How could you be so sure" the lady said. So the man left the room and come back with a labrodore retriever. It stood up on its hind legs and sniffed the dingo and shook its head.

The doctor left the room again and come back with a cat.

The cat also sniffed the dingo and shook its head. The doctor said that the dingo was 100% dead.

With the lady still in shock, the doctor handed the bill to the lady. "$400, why $400?".

The doctor replied "If you had've believed me first it would of been $60".

"But why still" the lady insists. To which the doctor says "Because you had a lab report and a cat scan!"

Bee Jokes--Funny Cat Jokes, Animal Jokes

Bee Jokes

Q: What do you call a bee that prefers nectar to pollen? 
A: Snob-Bee. 

Q: What does the bee Santa Claus say? 
A: Ho hum hum! 

Q: Why do bees hum? 
A: Because they've forgotten the words! 

Q: What kind of bees hum and drop things? 
A: A fumble bee! 

Q: What did the bee say to the flower? 
A: Hello honey! 

Q: What's a bees favorite flower? 
A: A bee-gonias! 

Q: What do you call a bee who single handedly defended the colony from a wasp attack? 
A: Not to shab-bee. 

Q: What did the confused bee say? 
A: To bee or not to bee! 

Q: What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? 
A: A Frisbee. 

Q: What do bees do if they want to use public transport? 
A: Wait at a buzz stop! 

Q: What do you give a bee on the first day of class? 
A: A Sylla-buzz. 

Q: How does a bee get to class? 
A: On the school-buzz. 

Q: What is a bees favorite shape? 
A: A Rhom-buzz, of course. 

Q: Why do bees hummm? 
A: They forget the words to the song. 

Q: What do you call a bee explorer? 
A: Christopher Colum-buzz. 

Q: What do you call a bee you can't share secrets with? 
A: a blab-bee. 

Old Cat Lady--Funny Cat Jokes

Old Cat Lady 

It was Christmas Eve. A poor old lady was sitting alone, except for her cat, in her tiny house, in front of a small fire. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and the old woman's good fairy appeared in the room. The old woman was astonished, but the fairy reassured her: "Don't be afraid! I am your good fairy. You are very poor, and all alone at Christmas, so I have come to grant you three wishes, to cheer you up." 

The old woman was about to speak, but the fairy held up her hand. "Wait!" she said. "Before you make a wish, think carefully! You will get exactly what you wish for, and no wish can be undone!" So the old woman sat silently, staring at the fire and thinking. 

Eventually, she spoke: "First", she said, "I want to be very, very wealthy." Poof! Immediately, the tiny house was packed with pots full of gold coins, and sacks of bank-notes. There was more money than anyone could spend in an entire lifetime. 

The old woman looked around and smiled. She thought some more, and spoke again: "Next", she said, "I want to be young and beautiful again, like I was when I was 18." Poof! The old woman disappeared. In her place sat a beautiful young woman, with smooth, white skin and long, golden hair. The woman looked at her hands and arms, felt her hair, and smiled. "Third", she said to the fairy, 

"I want you to change my cat into a handsome young prince, who will love me and take care of me all my life!" Poof! The fairy disappeared, and the cat leapt up from his place by the fire as a handsome young prince. 

He reached out to the woman, pulled her to her feet, embraced her, and kissed her passionately. Then he gazed into her eyes and said: "Hah! Now you're really going to be sorry that you took me to the vet!"